Parents say they need help during tough times

KUSA - The Kempe Center and the Tennyson Center for Children report that during the recession they have had an increase in calls from parents concerned about child abuse.

Last year, 27 children in Colorado died as a result of abuse or neglect.

In 2007 (the latest year for which such figures are available), more than 40,000 investigations were conducted related to child abuse and neglect, resulting in 10,103 confirmed victims in Colorado.

The Kemp Center and the Tennyson Center for Children encourage parents to reach out for help if they are feeling pressured.

The following tips for parents/grandparents and caregivers are from the Tennyson Center for Children:

Stressed out? Wondering what to do? It does happen. Caring for children is sometimes a difficult task. Discipline is especially challenging.

- Talk about feelings. Take your child's feelings seriously and work through them.
Use firm communication. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

- Model the behavior that you desire in them. Children learn from what they see and hear.
Encourage your children often and recognize each one's personal best.

- Use "time-out" balanced with "time-in." Remember, discipline is a verb meaning "to teach."

- If you are a new parent there are specific ways to get through tough times, like when your baby cries incessantly. There are specific ways to get through this time, and they're important to learn. With extreme frustration, the temptation is to grab and shake the baby - which can result in permanent brain damage. Don't get to this point. Have a plan ready to help take care of yourself.

The first step is to let go of assigning fault in the situation.

"Don't blame the baby - she can't help it," said Katherine Gordy Levine, a psychotherapist and author of Parents are People Too (Penguin Books, 1997). "Don't blame yourself. You are doing the best you can."

Levine, who has advised parents and been a foster parent, offers specific ideas:

- Sleep when you can. "Priorities at this stage should be feeding yourself, feeding your baby, changing her, and sleeping," she said.
- Use self-soothing exercises, such as deep breathing and visualization.
- Arrange for time away from the baby. Hire a sitter, exchange babysitting, or call helpful relatives and trusted friends to babysit.
- When you are alone with baby and cannot comfort her, put her in her crib, make sure she is safe, and without leaving the house, get away from the screaming. Play comforting music or take a shower.
- If you're in a new place or can't reach your helpers and feel you're going to become abusive, call or go to a neighborhood church or synagogue for help.
- Use a slogan to help you get them through these times. "My all-time favorite is 'Now is not forever,'" said Levine. "Be patient. You and your baby will survive and eventually even thrive."

Almost every new parent or caregiver of a baby has experienced a long bout with a crying baby. Some call the baby "colicky," some call her "cranky," but no matter what the name, it can be very difficult on even the most patient parent.

- Easy disciplining - "Stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!"

If you heard this as a child, you're not alone. What was once seen as an acceptable way to speak to a child has, fortunately, fallen out of fashion.

But there are those days. Cranky kids who will be satisfied by nothing. Children acting "spoiled." Kids pushing the limits of what they can get away with. Whether the child is 2 or 15 doesn't matter. It's frustrating, even anger-provoking, for a parent.

There are answers, and they don't involve special education or hours of learning. Once put in place, they have a double bonus: they make parenting easier. These ideas are not in a particular order; they all work together.

- Take care of yourself. A parent who is healthy and at least relatively happy is a better parent. If you aren't in that situation, that's no excuse to treat the child differently, but take a look at which measures you can take to enjoy your life more. This will help you be more patient and loving when dealing with discipline.

- Understand the environment. Children are much more likely to be cranky in certain situations: very hot/cold weather, a stressful day at school/daycare, on vacation, when there is family tension, when bored, hungry, thirsty, etc.; and anytime their normal routine is altered. This does not excuse any form of behavior, but put your discipline in context. If you've been at the mall all day, your young child probably does feel like squalling. Don't we all sometimes?

- Give clear, consistent expectations and consequences. If a child "gets away with murder" at a family reunion and then is whipped for speaking up at the dinner table, he will grow up confused and distrusting of adults - and, if spanked, is shown by research to be more likely to be violent himself as an adult.

- Set clear, fair guidelines. Explain them in a way each child will understand. Tell them the consequences, and enforce them. If you're having difficulty enforcing them, it might be because you aren't consistent or that the consequences are too harsh.
Understand the way children are supposed to act for their age.

- Save yourself unnecessary grief. An example is trying to teach an exploring toddler by slapping a little hand when they get close to an electrical outlet. It's all right to point to an outlet and explain to a child that it is "very hot," and will "hurt" and is a no-no. But childproof your home! Ask the grandparents to do so as well, and expect daycare to have childproofing already in place.

With a curious teen exploring the ways of the adult world, why not lock up the liquor cabinet? Or decide to have cocktails only when you're out to dinner and never at home. Talk to your teen about drugs in a non-lecturing way. Be sure to have that all-important talk about responsible sexual behavior. This conversation would ideally start at an early age, as soon as a child begins asking about her/his body parts. Many things for which we discipline our children are easily avoided!

- Encourage during the good times. Praise your child when he or she is doing what's right. Don't overdo it, with a compliment about every little thing the child does, or it will become less meaningful. The old adage is true: it's easier to catch flies with honey rather than with vinegar.

- Don't assume or use assuming phrases. A classic line is, "You know better!" Most of the time, a child does not! Avoid general phrases that parents have used forever. Explain your disappointment using "I" phrases, telling how you feel.

- Discuss the behavior, not the person. It breaks anyone's spirit to think they are inherently bad. Imagine if you were at work and the boss said, "It's not that the project is that hard - you're just stupid!" Yet we speak that way to our children when we say, "You're a brat today!" or "Johnny is better than you! Why can't you behave?"

- When you are alone with baby and cannot comfort her, put her in her crib, make sure she is safe, and without leaving the house, get away from the screaming. Play comforting music or take a shower.

- Decompress before you get home. If you work outside the home, don't let your work troubles, the commute and other hassles bring you to the exploding point when you get home. Remember, your child has also spent a full day in daycare or school. He has had stress, too. Let your home be a gentle, safe haven for your family. That's the way to create warm memories and build a loving family.

Organizations such as Tennyson Center for Children and The Kempe Center are hard at work in the fight against child abuse. You can get more help from their Web sites or by calling the centers:

Tennyson Center for Children (www.childabuse.org)
The Kempe Center (www.kempe.org), 303-864-5300